People Don’t like it when you show them the truth.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE VEGANS/VEGETARIANS THEN DON’T READ THIS BECAUSE YOU’LL PROBABLY BE OFFENDED.

I’m not going to sit here and say the YouTube video I made was pleasant. But I put up WARNING after WARNING saying there are graphic images. There is blood. DO NOT WATCH IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THIS.

And yet people still get angry with me. And not just any people. My BEST friends. Attacking me for having an opinion.

What was this video about you wonder?

Animal Rights.

I made a video showing the reality of what happens to pigs before they end up in a packet. It was graphic. I’m aware. I made it. But I put up so so so many warnings. If you didn’t want to see then why did you watch the video?

The funny thing is, I made a video a few weeks ago about being vegetarian and I got so much praise from people including my friends and how they were ‘so proud’ of me. But the second people see the reality it’s ‘HOW DARE YOU!’ I said clearly I wasn’t forcing anyone to be vegetarian or vegan and if you eat meat then that’s fine, but I wasn’t forcing my beliefs on anyone. I’m literally just showing the reality and then it’s just denial denial denial. ‘How dare you.’ ‘It’s not fair for you to do that.’ ‘You’re guilt tripping people’

And so I feel shit. 2/3 friends are gone, I’m just waiting for the other to message me to tell me I’m a piece of shit.

I’m done.

 

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100 SUBSCRIBERS

Well I think the title is obvious.

My Channel has been quite random, with a lot of different kinds of videos, but I’m now going to focus my videos on mental health and body positivity, because it’s something I feel so passionate about.

So after three months of videos on my YouTube Channel, I’ve hit 100 subscribers, which to some seems like such a small number, especially in comparison to other YouTubers, but I’m tired of comparing myself to others, because there’s always going to be someone better at you than something.

So I’m not famous, but I don’t want to be. If I could help one person, or at least make them smile, then I’ll be happy. 100 people, (well 95 excluding family/friends) for some reason want to listen to me, which amazes me.

I feel as though the mental health community both on WordPress and YouTube are so supportive and friendly and I’ve spoken to some really lovely people. INCLUDING LIKEKRISTEN (who subscribe to me omg), who’s a mental health YouTuber with over 20,000 subscribers. I was so shocked I nearly cried.

I’m going to film my 100 Subscribers video in a couple of days, but I’m just so so happy. I remember when I had 3 and 100 seemed like an impossible task. I hope that over the next year I could reach 500, which would be amazing.

I’m just so happy and it just goes to show that you should never give up. I debated deleting my channel so many times, but I stuck with it and uploaded videos even if it seemed pointless.

Click to go to my Channel ❤

Sending hugs to everyone ❤

Why Don’t You Just Leave?

This is actually going to be relatively positive.

I’m at the grand age of 16 nearly 17 and I want nothing more than to disappear.

Now, six months ago, when I wanted to ‘disappear’. I meant it more literally. -To disappear from the earth. From life. I wanted to die.

Fast forward six months and I’m here. Still unstable, anxiety ridden, depressed and filled with self hatred. But I think for the first time in a VERY long time, I am not suicidal. I do not want to die. In fact it’s quite the opposite, I really want to live.

Don’t get me wrong the urge to self harm is at times unbearable, and I don’t doubt that I’ll relapse, but for the first time since I was thirteen, I don’t think about jumping out my bedroom window. I don’t look at pills thinking about how many I would need to take.

When I look out my bedroom window, I get the urge to disappear. To buy a plane ticket and never look back. My dream is to travel the world. I don’t want to be rich or have a big house; or any house for that matter. The idea of having everything you need in a backpack and going and doing whatever you want mesmerizes me. All the different people, cultures and beautiful countries. I want to see them all.

And honestly that terrifies me. All the dangers and anxiety, but there’s a quote that comes to mind, ‘If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough’ And I think that’s fairly appropriate.

This world is filled with such incredible things, but very few will ever get to see them. Stuck in a 9 to 5 job, rent to pay, kids to collect from school. So many people will miss out.

So the question is, why don’t you just leave?

And my answer is simple, I can’t. Legally I have to be in education till I turn 18, but I swear the second I can, I’ll be gone. And don’t worry I’ll take my computer with me, I’ll record every step of my journey.

So, what’s your answer? And if your answer is simply that you don’t want to, then fair enough, but if you do want to go; to explore Thailand, Australia, Cambodia, Egypt, wherever it is, why don’t you?

Why don’t you just leave?

 

 

YouTube Hate Comments

Hey, it’s been a while. I thought I would write this as I am about to delete the video on my YouTube Channel on this topic. Honestly, the hate comments I received were laughable, but they did begin to get to me. I don’t have thick skin. I’m very sensitive. And so I’m going to delete the video.

The video I made was about a girl who goes by the name ‘Evalion’. She is a cruel, racist, homophobic person, not to mention that she is friends with members of the KKK. In the video I looked at some of her (extraordinarily offensive) tweets, several insinuating that she would like to kill all Jewish people. She spreads violence and hatred, but somehow she has a huge following, of like minded horrible people. Before her Channel was terminated she had 50,000 subscribers.

The message of my video, was that all forms of racism and discrimination are wrong. However,  if you are racist and one of her followers of her strange cult, obviously you will disagree with me.

I respect that everyone is entitled to an opinion, but she abuses her right to free speech by using racist slurs and threatening people purely because of their race. If you love Hitler, then go ahead, bake a cake, sing him happy birthday (no joke she actually did this and put it on YouTube), but being racist is not okay.

I received a lot of hate from her followers. I said in the description if you disagree with me then you can dislike the video or give your opinion in the comments. But when their opinion, is calling me a ‘fat bitch’ and ‘pink haired cunt’ and to ‘go kill yourself’. I can’t deal with that. As someone recovering from depression, who has just stopped taking their medication, I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. And the thing is, my video isn’t making a difference, because those people in her strange cult are never going to change their mind. And all those people who left nasty comments, are people I don’t want associated with me or my Channel.

So, I blocked them, deleted their comments and now I’m going to delete the video and going to concentrate my Channel on being a positive place, where I can talk about mental health and fashion and not be in fear that I’m going to get threats from people associated with the KKK. (which is quite scary btw). I think I’ll leave the YouTube drama to the bigger YouTubers who have thicker skin and followers that will defend them.

4am breakdown

I feel so shit. I feel so fucking shit. And i don’t want to write this. I don’t want to tell the world that i’m sat in my my room crying, but i need be quiet because my sister has school and its 4am and i cant wake her up. I want to scream because i’m in so much fucking pain, but i have to keep it all in.

My cat’s looking at me like i’m a psychopath, she’s probably thinking, ‘why are your eyes leaking strange human?’

I’m trying so hard to get better. I’m trying so hard. But I hate myself more than i have in my entire life. I hate everything about myself. I hate it. I hate who i am. I hate the way i look. The way i act. I don’t why anyone cares about me. I don’t see why. And i’m just waiting for things to go wrong again. For someone to leave me again. And everyone’s going to leave one by one until i have no one. And the only person to blame is me.

I want to eat because i’m sad, but i cant because i’m fat and i cant look at myself in the mirror anymore without being disgusted.

I stay up all night. I can’t sleep. I’m too scared of the nightmares and even if i have all the lights on it doesn’t make a difference. I never want to go to sleep. But i don’t want to be awake either. So i just lie in my bed and wait for the day to be over. Then i wait for morning to come and its like i’m constantly waiting for something. Someone to finish or begin, but it never does.

I want to be a happy person. I want to write blog posts about how to overcome depression, not miserable accounts of my mental breakdowns at 4am. I don’t want to be this way forever. I don’t want to be frightened to be left alone with my own thoughts. I don’t want to be afraid of going to sleep at night. I don’t want to count calories. I just want my life back.

But i don’t know how.

Depression

So recently I started a YouTube Channel, you can check out My YouTube Channel if you’d like. 

Anyway so I wrote a slam poem about depression and uploaded it to my channel, you can check it out here.

I talk about the stigma surrounding depression and how some people still don’t believe it’s a ‘real’ illness and I really liked my poem and it meant a lot to me.

Fast forward a few days and I’m having a really hard time. I’m having to stay with my mum due to circumstances between me and my dad. My dad lacks understanding of my depression and sometimes he can be really cruel and his words have a really big effect on me. 

I’m left feeling so low and miserable and completely worthless and I blame myself for being so overly sensitive and a shit daughter.

Then I go onto my YouTube Channel and watch my video and I actually felt a bit better. My video reminded me that I’m not in the wrong and I can’t blame myself for the way I’m feeling and the fact that my dad doesn’t understand what’s going on in my head. He doesn’t understand my depression and he probably never will, but that’s not my fault. It just makes living with him a little bit harder.

Why I Dyed My Hair Blue

So I have blue hair. 

Now with bright hair there tend to be two very diverse opinions.

Omg your hair is so cool and…

Why the fuck would you do that to yourself?

I personally love unnaturally coloured hair and think it’s a really powerful form of self expression and a giant “fuck you” to society. 

I’ve been dying my hair for years, but I have to say the most self conscious I have ever bin was during the time that I dyed my hair back to a natural colour. Heading into sixth form I was forced to take out my piercings and dye my green hair to black as it was classed as ‘offensive’. 

Did it matter that i was in the top ten highest GCSEs results, a straight a student, polite, respectful and loved by my teachers? Nope. Because all that matters is what you look like. 

Life was shit. I felt so boring and ugly. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognise myself. I no longer felt pretty. I didn’t look good in my clothes anymore.

I wasn’t me.

Fast forward seven months, two suicide attempts and a three month hospital admission later and I’ve officially been crossed of the register after not attending the school for six months. Yayyy.

So in celebration? 

I dyed my hair blue and sent the head of sixth form a picture.

Never stay in a place that won’t accept you for who you are and bases its judgment of intelligence and ability on something as pathetic as the colour of your hair.

Don’t judge someone based on their appearance. Simple as that.

5ft Tall And 175lb

One month ago after years of yoyo dieting and problems with eating disorders I hit my highest weight EVER… Twelve and a half stone or 175lb, with a BMI of over 35, classifying me by the NHS as ‘obese’.

Now I’m going to be a hypocrite and say that a calculation of your physical health based on a weight to height ratio is not accurate, especially considering it does not take into account muscle mass, however I knew it was pretty accurate considering my size. 

My physical health was horrific. My skin was awful (and I’m not saying it’s great now but it’s certainly improved).

I realised that I had to lose weight gradually if I wanted to keep it off and with six months before my college course started I thought it was perfect timing.

I go to the gym three times a week, doing 3km on the treadmill. Then 6km on the bike and after that, strength training. 

At my heaviest weight I was consuming 2500 calories a day (at least). Now I eat an average of 1200 and don’t get me wrong I still have my cheat days, but I certainly don’t eat as much as I did then.

One month later and I’m half a stone down and couldn’t be happier. 

And with a little bit of effort I can fit into my old jeans again.

Only another 38lb to go. 

Animal Crossing And Coco Pops

So I begin the day with a bowl of Coco Pops and my Nintendo DS by my side. I’m casually planting flowers and going fishing when all of a sudden I realise something.

I look across the room into the mirror and see myself sitting in my pink dressing gown. Then I look down to the console in my hand and my blue haired virtual character smiles back at me. I realise that in six years I have not changed at all. I’m almost seventeen and I was doing the exact same thing when I was eleven years old.

Now I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, ACWW is an incredible game, that when I was younger allowed me to escape from bullying and the harsh real world. I had my own virtual life and I was content with it, but going back to those times I wish I could tell my younger self that things would be different; that I would no longer spend hours on end as a little blue haired character ignoring the real world, but they’re not.

I’m still sat here every morning and evening playing on this game in my room by myself, wishing It was real.

And part of me was sad when I thought about this, I thought about how much of a loser I was (negative thoughts creeping in) and how lonely I must be to talk to these computer generated friends on a three inch screen.

Then I thought a bit more (Prozac kicking in) and I realised that despite my slightly shitty childhood, I actually had a lot of fun on that game and it took me away from all the bad things that were going on around me. Not only that but me and my younger sister used to play it together. At the age of sixteen and fourteen we still do.

So I thought some more. Then I remembered. I’m still just a kid. Maturer in many aspects, but technically I’m still a child and maybe I do spend a little bit too much time on my DS, but a teenager spending their free time on a games console isn’t exactly uncommon.

Even if the game I play isn’t as ‘cool’ as my fellow peers.

Moral of the story: Do what you love and what makes you happy even if you think you’re too ‘old’ for it. You don’t have to outgrow what you love.

And six years later, Coco Pops are still amazing.

 

 

My Fear Of Costa

Now this isn’t a post about bashing Costa, in fact I love the place and the hot chocolate I had there today; elegant in its tall glass, was delicious. However what I am going to talk about is why I walked passed it six times before I actually went in.

Any ideas?

I’ll tell you. One little word… Anxiety. Well I say ‘little’ but infact this word is massive, scrawled across very door and received message and ringing phone. The words “Unknown number” are my worst nightmare and the uncomfort of sitting in a large well lit room makes me want to vomit. 

I’ve had these problems on and off for years, making school a terrifying place. I can’t tell you the amout of lunchtimes I’ve hid in the toilets or assembleys I’ve bunked, but luckily that is currently not a problem as I am not in school.

Anyway back to today. I leave the house around two and head for the shops near where I live. On arrival I feel this wave of panic roll over me and realise I don’t know where I’m supposed to go. I call my mum mid panic attack asking her what I should do. I wanted to get a drink, but I’d never been in. Is the door a push or pull? Where do I sit? What if there are no seats? What if I don’t have enough money?

I knew for a fact that my hot chocolate would be £3.20, but the voice in the back of my head saying ‘what if?’ Got the better of me.

My mum convinced me to go inside after a ten minute peptalk and I hung up, walking past the coffee shop for the fourth time. After another two laps I headed for the door. I pulled. Of course it was a push. I hated myself but it was too late to go back. I walked up the the counted, shaking from what they thought was the cold and ordered, counting the change in my hand three times to make sure.

I scanned the room and saw a small table in the corner with my name on it. Carrying my glass rediculously cautiously I sat down and took off my stereotypical green coat.

I was OK after that and was proud that I actually went in and faced my fear. Although the terror dissapaited, the anxiety was still there, so I got my mum to call me again the second I sat down. (With my phone on silent of course to avoid any unwanted attention).

So the moral of the story is: Costa doors are push and hot chocolate with cream and sprinkles is £3.20. Oh and Anxiety’s ass got kicked today.